All Kinds of Ways

Dear Moon & Stars,

Writing another blogpost on 15th May 2018 to jot down my thoughts and feelings.

I'm often known as a very jovial person, i laugh and smile very easily but these days i have been overwhelmed with so many kind of emotions. Emotions that are affecting me internally a lot for i feel useless being such an indecisive little bitch.

Let me list them down one by one and explain why i am feeling all sorts of ways:
1. Gratitude for T choose to love me, spoil me foolishly and most of all giving me his heart within a short period of 2 months. He choose to love me even knowing i just left a relationship 4 months back, he console me at times when i am weak and hesitant, he gives me his arm on days when i am down and he gives me advises which help greatly.

2. Sadness for i feel like i am not giving him my everything, for not giving him myself wholeheartedly, for hesitating sometimes and for saying things i really meant and he would still think it's a joke. It makes me ponder at my own life sometimes, what am i truly doing?

3. Guilt for i still think about my ex, about his wellbeing, about me moving on so quickly. I used to love him so dearly but now my heart is being taken up by someone else, I wouldn't say fully but a big chunk of it definitely.

4. Security for T is a man with a stable job, someone whom i am sure i can rely on in many years to come. T is a man with vast knowledge, he speaks very well and he knows a lot of things. He is someone whom i can learn from.

I love T, he has a solid space in my heart for sure or i wouldn't miss him so dearly all the damn time but a little part sometimes see T as my ex =( the similarity in characters and that makes me hate myself even more, it feels like i am cheating on T for seeing a lil of my ex in him. =(
I refer to T as dear, didn't want to call him baby or bi because that was what i used to call my ex but i remember accidentally blurting the word bi when i am with him.
i am not sure if he heard me but i feel immense guilt for accidentally calling him that. I know i am not referring him to my ex but the word bi is heavily associated with my ex, therefore i feel guilty.

I honestly wish that its a habit that would pass eventually. I hesitate a lil every time i wanna use the word Dear! =(

So upset with myself. I know i should give myself a break but the guilt is eating into me so badly.

Signing off,
Samantha