Writing this post three months post leaving a relationship which i have treasured for the last 6 and half years. I am not sure if i have fully recovered or overcome my 1st relationship. Still felt a hint of sadness and guilt whenever i think of my ex. I know i shouldn't be feeling this way becoz i know whatever we did for each other was supposed to be mutual but i realized that, my ex did far more for me than i did for him and he's changed and went through so much for me, i think part of me will never be able to forgive myself for leaving him, for being selfish due to my own insecurity.
I told myself when i first left this relationship, that i would not hastily get into another one for the next one year. It would be a year of self improvement, self indulgence, self reliance and to focus solely on what i want to do for myself because for the past 6 years i always had someone to think of before i make any crazy decisions. But, faith took a different turn.
I met this guy, lets call him T. I met T through coffee meet bagels on the 22nd of March, chatted through the app and 3 days later, we were already chatting through whatsapp. He asked me out within the 1st week but i said no because i felt it was too soon to meet, i needed to know more, to find out more before i decide to meet him. The conversation went on through whatsapp, i was very surprise how funny he can be even through text, we clicked so well. I remember telling him that, i am not looking for a relationship atm because i just left one not long ago, i apologized and was thinking to myself, "hey, i think he might just disappear pretty soon" but he told me, it's alright and not to shield away from it entirely.
2 weeks later, after i got back from Hanoi, we met for the 1st time on the 6th of April. I remember so vividly, how nervous i was, i even decided to wear heels because i didn't want to seem overly short beside him. He wanted to pick me up from home, and i thought to myself, this is the first meet up, i don't think he should know where i live yet, kept insisting that i didn't want him to drive all the way to Klang just to pick me, so he decided that the middle point would be Sunway Pyramid. He picked me up before we head out for dinner. My worries were for ntg, we talked so much, it was like talking to a long lost friend.
Our dinner were filled with laughter and smiles, he had all kind of tricks up his sleeves, his weird eye, his accents (Australian, Korean, Japanese, Thai) and his funny imitation of Spongebob. I paid for dinner that night cause i didn't want to be obligated to go out with him again if i didn't like it yknow but the night went so well. We watched out first movie together "A quiet place", he know i dont watch any jump scare movies and he saw me jumping and fidgety a few times and each time he sees i am on the verge of passing out, he would caress my hand, i mean it wouldn't make a difference but it was so sweet of him to pay attention to how i reacted. I remember going home feeling relieved that i met this guy.
We met 2 days ltr because i was at Pyramid for my Musee treatment. He picked me up again and we went for dinner! :)
We never stopped chatting over the phone, everyday passed by so quickly. I got to know him a lil more everyday.
T is so sweet, he sent me flowers on days when i feel down, he sent me food delivery when i told him i wasn't gonna go out and eat, he gives me advises when i am at crossroad and he comforted me on days when i am upset.
I was happy with seeing him twice a week but gradually, i realized that i miss him on odd days when i don't see him.
It wasn't just because he is such a sweet, nice and entertaining guy but i think i see a sense of responsibility in him, i wouldn't know if i would feel secure with him, it's too early to say so but i think i look forward to finding out along the way.
He is such a lil nerd, he loves his Star Wars and Harry Potter, so not charming when he goes all fanboy for this two series. He is trying so hard for me to like Star Wars, i have never watch a single movie but guess what, i'll be watching the 3rd Star Wars movie with him soon, i agreed on it because he said he would watch 10 Romance Comedy with me! HAHAH, this is defly a deal breaker. A 3 hours SW's movie for a 20 hours of Romance. :)
Well, on 25th April, i have decided to meet his friends for the first time, it's funny how within a month, i am already meeting his friends and trying to get to know the people he hangs out with. He has a great deal of friends and very very close ones and i can see how important all of them are to him. I have learnt the hard way, it's important to have very close friends because they are the one we find solace in when we are going through tough time. When i left my 6 years relationship, i have came to learn how important friends are. For ones, Yong Sheng, who was around tirelessly for a month, constantly checking up on me and comforting me! So, i wouldn't want him to spend less time with his friends because of me and i wouldn't want him to stop me from seeing my friends as well.
Dont really know when it started but i really missed him last Sat, 28th Apr, waited till 12AM for him to pick me up and we head to Genting. Even though, it as only a short 4 hours with him but i was amazed at how happy i was and how quickly i miss him already.
He honestly made me a fool again for constantly being so clingy and upset over how much i miss and think about him. I am worried that this is only temporary because you know how fresh 'relationship' are always the sweetest but it gradually turn sour as time passes. I am scared and worried for having to deal with being alone and starting over again but i know all this is just me thinking too much when it hasnt even happened yet.
I am glad to have met him honestly! He is one of my source of happiness these days, i look forward to talking to him, meeting him and most of all getting hugs from him! :)
So thankful and blessed to be loved again by someone and that someone happens to be T!
I totally sound like love sick fool now.. idk anymore...
Sincerely,
Samantha
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